Conversations with a ManWhore

• You must have seen all those designated seats on buses, right? For Females, the Physically Challenged and Senior Citizens? So, Manwhore Friend (who, for convenience’s sake is henceforth referred to as MWF) and I got on a bus, and it had Male written above the seat where I sat. Following is the conversation that ensued.

MWF: This is a men’s seat. Get up. Give this seat to the man standing next to you. If he comes and asks you to get up, you’ll get up?

Me: If a man actually asks me to get up, I will have quite a lot to say about his masculinity. Or the lack of it.

MWF: What if Alex Pettyfer asks you to get up?

Me: Why is Alex Pettyfer on a bus?

MWF: His car broke down.

Me: And he doesn’t have money for a cab?

MWF: No. And he has to go to this place really fast.

Me: So he takes this bus. Okay, I get it. But why does he need to sit?

MWF: He’s been running around all day. And now he’s really tired. He has to sit.

Me: Why has he been running around all day?

MWF: Alex Pettyfer’s mum went to the Amazon, and got bitten by a snake, and now she needs an antidote.

Me: Right. So Alex Pettyfer will get the antidote, and take it to his mum in the Amazon, and all this while she is going to stay alive. Pretty considerate snake this is. Doesn’t let victims die till the antidote reaches them.

MWF: You’re stupid. She got this temporary antidote in the Amazon. Now she needs to take the serious antidote. His mother will die without it.

Me: Which can be found in Calcutta?

MWF: No no, this is in LA.

Me: Why am I in LA?

MWF: You wrote a book which is now a bestseller. So you became really rich and famous, and Warner Bros. is making a film on it.

Me: I’m in Hollywood, and I’m really rich and famous, and I’m on a bus? The studio couldn’t even give me a car?

MWF: No, this is one of those luxury tour buses. You’re on a tour of Hollywood and LA.

Me: So Pettyfer’s mum is dying and he needs to get this ‘serious antidote,’ but he has time to be on this tour bus, taking a trip down Hollywood and LA?

MWF: Our stop is here. Let’s go.

• Manwhore Friend has just been telling me all about the problems in his life. There are lots, but to be fair, they’re caused only because he’s a manwhore.

MWF: I wish I was a bird. Life would be so simple.

Me: That’s a really sad life.

MWF: How is that a sad life? I wouldn’t have all these problems. Tell me what I’d be missing out on if I was a bird.

Me: Good food. If you were a bird, you wouldn’t get good food. Like biryani.

MWF: Of course I would.

Me: What bird eats biryani?

MWF: A crow. God, you’re really stupid. How’d you get into college?

Me: What crow gets biryani?!?

MWF: One that lives outside Arsalan. Duh.

Me: So that’s how ambitious you are. You want to be a crow that lives outside Arsalan.

MWF: I’d also get firni.

• Manwhore Friend is telling me AGAIN how Life is a pain, and how he has to do so much work. To escape all this work, he wants to be reborn as a dog, because apparently they have no work, and they do nothing.

MWF: I really really really want to be reborn as a St. Bernard.

Me: You want to be reborn as a dog?

MWF: Not just any dog, idiot. A St. Bernard. They never have to do ANYTHING. They just sit and scratch their balls, and everyone goes, “Awwwww.” No one is ever mean to a St. Bernard. So, all I’d have to do is win awards at dog shows.

Me: I’m pretty sure you’d have to work hard to win at dog shows. Train and stuff, you know.

MWF: That’s why I want to be a St. Bernard. They just look cute and win!

Me: Dude, even as a dog, I don’t think you’d win awards.

MWF: All St. Bernards win at dog shows! Also, I’d get fat, and no one would yell at me for it. In fact, they’d call me cute, and give me more food. They eat a kilogram of meat EVERY DAY. It’s such an amazing life! This is what I’m going to wish for this year, that I be reborn as a St. Bernard.

Me: I’m going to wish for a good career doing something I love, the ability to write well, the discipline to write a book, and to pass my masters with first class marks. And you’re going to wish to be reborn as a dog?

MWF: Not just any dog, Shahana. A St. Bernard.

• Manwhore Friend wants to pierce his eyebrow. His father has expressly told him not to, and to not return home if he does get one. I tell him to wait till he moves out of his parents’ place, and if he still wants to get whatever pierced, he can do it then. What follows is an extremely disturbing conversation, and is not for the faint of heart.

MWF: You know why I really love piercings? Because I love needles. I just LOVE when the needles break through my skin.

Me: What.

MWF: Yeah. They’re amazing, aren’t they? God, I just…really love needles.

A few days later, he’s supposed to get an allergy test because his allergy index has shot up to 3000 something. So, basically, they pierce your skin a certain number of times, and prick them with a bunch of allergens to see what you’re allergic to, I think. I text him to ask if he’s alright, or if he’s scared. His reply.

MWF: Chhooch photabe! I’m so excited!
Translation: They will prick me with a needle! I’m so excited!

He’s allergic to mustard, nuts, coconuts, cotton, neem, eggs, chicken, dog fur (but he has a dog) and a few other things, which I’ve forgotten. He showed me the nineteen ‘holes’ they apparently ‘drilled’ into him, and then told me he’d like to have sex with a doctor. This thought came to him, while a female doctor made those holes in him. Manwhore indeed.

• One day Manwhore decided life would be better as a musical, so he starts singing in the middle of the road.

MWF: I want to sing like a bird,
But the birds will all fly,
Because they’re all really high,
Baby, please don’t cry,
And don’t be shy,
Just because someone’s walking by,
Now let me stroke your thigh.

 Love them or hate them, you really can’t ignore them. Manwhore Friends make life interesting, sometimes fun, and there is very rarely a dull moment with them around. So, boys and girls, find a Manwhore Friend of your very own. And those of you, who have already found them, keep your Manwhore Friends close, and your headache pills closer. You’re going to need it.