The New Normal

Scene: College Canteen. A game of 20 (read: 50) questions is being played.

“Male?”
*nod*
“Alive?”
*nod*
“Indian?”
"No."
"Does he smoke?"
"No no."
20 questions later.
“Who is this person?”
“Pokemon!”
“Now we’re going to have to include ‘Human’ as one of the questions too! Also, which pokemon? Pikachu, no?”

We did have to, because after Namrata came up with Pokemon, Sohini came up with Goopey (Promod da’s dog). After this round, we all sat down to discuss all the different types of Pokemon we all knew, which led to a huge debate as to whether Meowth evolved to Mewtwo or the other way round.

Scene: Class on Metaphysical Poetry.
According to Plato, when two people have sex and have an orgasm, their souls leave their physical bodies, and meet somewhere above their bodies, which is dead right then, and carry on some sort of a metaphysical conversation.

Friend 1: What? Nothing like that happened to Boyfriend and me. I was very much alive during the entire, er, exchange. What about you?
Me: I’m a virgin. I will die virgin. Main virgin marungi.
Friend 2: I have never understood what Plato goes on about. I’ve had sex plenty of times. NEVER have I died. Never has my soul had any sort of metaphysical conversation. Why does my soul have to have a conversation anyway? What wrong with my boyfriend having this conversation with my ‘physical body?’ Has your soul ever spoken?
Friend 1: No! I don’t get it. Maybe it’s really good sex. Like, you die from the sheer awesomeness of it. I wonder what Boyfriend and I are doing wrong.
Me: Maybe you could talk about something I can actually contribute to.
Friend 3: Oh right. She’s a virgin. Haha.
Me: Yes. Main virgin marungi. (Translation: I will die a virgin.)
Friend 3: Ei ei. *points to me* Here is Virgin Mari.

For those of you who didn’t get it, Virgin Mari is a pun on Virgin Mary, ‘mari’ meaning ‘died.’ Yeah, I know, jokes kind of lose their charm once they’re explained.

Scene: Text conversation between Friend 3 and me.

Me: Alex Pettyfer is so friggin hot. No one should sell him shirts. He should just walk around shirtless. All the time.
Friend 3: I agree. Whoever came up with the idea for Magic Mike is a genius. But but but, George O’ Malley. He’s so gorgeous in an I’m-not-hot-but-am-the-perfect-guy kind of way.
Me: I know exactly what you mean. Why can’t we ever find men like these in real life? I mean, yes, Pettyfer’s real, but I doubt he’d notice me even if I lived next door and danced in front of him wearing a red ‘I <3 br="br" pettyfer="pettyfer" tee.="tee."> Friend 3: I want George O’ Malley.
Me: I want Alex Pettyfer.
Friend 3: We want a reality check.

‘Want’ in the last line meaning ‘lack’. L

Scene: Manwhore Friend and Me on a busy street.
Manwhore Friend is trying to convince me I’m a guy, while I staunchly refuse.

Manwhore Friend: You were meant to be a bro. You’d be an amazing wingman, man.
Me: Wingwoman, woman. Even babe would do. I have boobs, look. Seriously, look at them. Feel free to ogle, even.
Girl with a huge butt passes us. The next two sentences are said simultaneously.
Manwhore Friend: Did you see that ass?
Me: Did you see that bum?
Manwhore Friend: See? No girl does that. You’re a guy. You’re my bro. I promise you, Shahana, I will always take your side in every argument. Bros before hos, man.

He then offered me his fist to bump as a sign of male solidarity. Resigned to being his bro, I bump his fist with mine.

Scene: Me trying to convince Friend 4 that Mutual Male Friend likes her.

Me: I’m telling you he likes you. How do you know he doesn't like you?
Friend 5: He told me he like someone else. Someone from our school only. Someone who is single.
Me: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Friend 5, he likes someone from our school, who is single. That leaves you, me, and Friend 6. Me he’s already done liking, and he doesn't spend nearly enough time with Friend 6 as you. In fact, he spends ALL his time with you, and when he’s not physically with you, he’s texting you. He. Likes. You. Deal with it.

6 months later.

Friend 5: OMG, that single girl from our school, who he likes, is me! But I’m over him now! Now what do I do?
Me: I have no clue. K

Six months ago, I would've killed to be able to get away from this city. I thought I needed a break from this city, from the people, from my college, from everything. I’m still in the same place, with the same people, but I’m not as dissatisfied and unhappy as I was. Maybe we’re not meant to be happy all the time, but sporadically. Maybe what I really needed, was a break from me. Who I was and what I wanted. I’m still not deliriously happy, but for now, I’m content.