Not Your Average Dictionary

Just something I found online..makes for a very fun read..albeit very random..


BIRTH, n: The first, messiest and dirtiest of all disasters
BOY, n: A noise with dirt on it; learns to make machine-gun sounds before saying 'mama' or 'papa'
BUG, n: Problems found in computer programs when the programmers are distracted by Jumbo Jacks
BUGS, pl. n: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls
CAT,n: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer
CHILDREN, pl. n: Those short people running around your house
COMMAND, v: Something little boys and girls will ignore until their lemon meringue pie is threatened
DAY, n: A period of twenty four hours, normally spent picking up plastic army men
DIET, n: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit
ETIQUETTE, n: The little things we do that we don't want to do
EXPERIENCE, n: what will cause a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones
FAIRY TALE, n: A horror story that will prepare the kids for the newspapers
FOOTBALL, n: The thing on the television that causes the man to abstain from being able to assess his full surroundings; it's like a game of nuclear warfare, pro football is, there aren't any winner, only survivors
FROGS, pl. n: Those things that get into your clothing, croak and make you wonder if your husband has a serious case of gas
GIRL, n: A squadron of pink ribbons; will learn to say 'gimme' almost automatically
HAMSTERS, n: The things that operate the squeaking running-wheels at night
HUSBAND, n: The sac of skin on your couch that doesn't move except to find the remote
HOPE, n: The feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't going to last very long
HOSPITAL BED, n: Something you will continue to visit weekly if your child thinks he's superman and you have a ceiling fan
IDIOT, n: See husband
INTELLIGENCE, n: Looking inside the oven for plastic toys before turning it on
KISS, v: The act of which will stop words from becoming sound once it has become superfluous
MARRIAGE, n: The act of which is committed by two people; when a man has a certain level of weirdness, and a woman has a certain level of weirdness that matches up with his weirdness, they combine these two levels of weirdness in a forever binding weirdness for the rest of their lives
MIDDLE AGE, n: When your age begins to show around your waistline
PAIN, n: What the cat feels when it is caught in the vacuum tubing
RESPONSIBILITY, n: A burden that will continue to haunt you even when your children should be out of your house by now
REVENGE, n: Giving your neighbor's kid a drum
SEX, n: The most fun you can have without laughing.
SPOUSE, n: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
SWEATER, n: A garment worn by a child when the mother is feeling chilly
TRUTH, n: What your child demands to be switched for a quarter by the 'Truth-Fairy' with a mouth filled with cotton balls